I am toxic to myself today. I first noticed it last week. I promised myself to document my journey with Crohn’s so I could recognize the good and the bad. I thought it would help me get through the rough patches and realize that things do get better. Even if I just used this to vent, I would be letting it go by writing about it instead of keeping things bottled up. Becoming toxic was not part of the plan.
Last week, hunger was making me miserable. Feeling my stomach twist and turn was just as miserable as if I would just give in and eat real food. After spending time doing all sorts of things to distract myself, I decided to eat a safe food that I was able to eat in the hospital after not eating for 14 days. Scrambling an egg seemed to take forever. I ate it. Immediately, my stomach began a full rage and I couldn’t swallow the third bite. I tried but I gagged. Moments later I was vomiting the few bites of scrambled egg I had eaten. After this happens, I usually feel sad and defeated. Not this time. This time was different as I felt empty and satisfied. I am dipping my toes into a danger zone and I know it.
Sometimes I wonder why I keep trying. Even if I manage to overcome the actual Crohn’s symptoms, the disordered eating patterns that it is triggering will take me down. Oh well, hopefully I can provide a source of entertainment to those with dark humor that can handle watching me self-destruct.