That picture was taken seven months after I was released from the hospital. I had been trying to take a picture of an albino hummingbird for weeks. I never did get a picture of the albino hummingbird but managed to get some really good pictures of other things happening in the yard. When I initially took this picture, I had not even realized there was a creature included.
This morning I woke up in quite a mood. I decided to reflect on how I have been feeling recently. How do I really feel? I feel like murder. This is not to be confused with feeling like murdering as I definitely do not feel like harming anyone nor would I have the energy. I just feel like what I imagine the act of murder would feel like. Anger, Sadness, Regret, Remorse, Rage, Disgust, Terror, Fear, and Contempt. Watching documentaries in the middle of the night sparked this thought. I wonder how someone can physically harm someone? I am unable. I had an opossum family living in my barn and I couldn’t even bring myself to allow someone else to harm them.
Most of my front yard contains plants that feed hummingbirds and bees. When I think of what a peaceful life I attempt to live I often wonder why I have the medical issues I do. I could choose to believe there is no method to this madness but if I ever believe there is no reason or lesson to be learned, I will also have no reason to continue fighting to maintain a somewhat decent life. I choose to continue trying to understand as I am sure the answer is right in front of me just as the critter in flower was.