I didn’t have a disease that ruled my life. Sometimes I feel like my spirit has been squashed. I used to be full of life and now when I am not at work, I am in a bathroom or sleeping. I do not enjoy anything anymore. Lying has never been something I would consider but now I have joined the masses. How am I? Fine. How was my weekend? Great. And for those that sometimes see through my bullshit…Are you feeling okay today? Fabulous. Nobody wants to hear it.

I remember a time when I did not gain weight because my body thinks it is starving or some bullshit. I remember a time when I didn’t spend 13 months in a constant flare. I remember a time when I didn’t cry because I wasn’t sad. I remember a time when my wrists and other joints did not feel like they might explode.

It sounds insane but I’d give almost anything to go back to the days immediately after my bowel resection. I had inflammation but no symptoms other than diarrhea. I didn’t take any medication other than Colestipol and Lomotil. That was before MTX, Humira, Entyvio, D3, B12 injection, Calcium and osteopenia. I know there are others that take other meds but I am not comparing myself to others-just remembering a time before my life was consumed with everything Crohns and short gut.

I think the short gut or whatever may be worse than Crohn’s. I don’t know anymore. What I do know is that I sat in my car and cried like a maniac when I left Doctor #5’s today. That was after I refused labs with a reason that if ONE more thing happens I will lose my shit so I would rather not know. I even stated that I would know eventually how things were anyway…and if my liver was angry, I’d turn yellow.

Ugh. Dealing with my nonsense today must have been challenging but honestly, I am at the end and not quite sure where to go from here.