WARNING:  Please do not read if you are sensitive to such issues.  Also, it is likely that inappropriate language will be used.

When I was in high school, I was 5’7″ and weighed just a little over 100 lbs.  I did not have an eating disorder but I refused to eat dairy and red meat because it made me feel so ill. Well, I may have been able to be diagnosed because I was underweight and did restrict dairy and red meats.  I also avoided many junk foods because they just taste bad.  So maybe I did have a disorder of sorts but I believe it was more Crohn’s related–I just wasn’t aware I had Crohn’s yet.  When I was 20 years old, I weighed 134 lbs the day I gave birth to a happy and healthy 7 lb. baby girl.  Two days later, my arrival at home was in my pre-pregnant jeans and t-shirt.  My weight had returned to the 115-120 lb. range.  18 months later, I was delivering another child and weighed 131.  This time I had a happy and healthy little boy.  I was never told I needed to gain anymore weight through my pregnancies.  I continued to be active and walked/ran and hiked throughout both of my pregnancies.

Eventually, my weight gradually increased to the 130-135 lb. range and I was happy with this.  I looked healthy and had plenty of energy.  This is my favorite weight range.  In 2010, I had a hysterectomy that included both ovaries.  My weight increased to 150.  I was not happy with this so I increased my daily walk from 2.5-3 miles to 5-6 miles.  Cutting unhealthy fats isn’t really an option because I do not eat them and really have never eaten them.  Potato chips and snack cakes taste like vegetable oil to me so I do not really have much interest in them.  I do not eat dairy so no ice cream for me!  I even had my thyroid testing but everything was normal.  I was given advice to eat no more than 1,200 calories.  I did not follow this advice.  I just maintained a 300-500 calorie deficit daily but did not lose any weight.  I did not gain any either so I just accepted this as my new weight.

When I went to the hospital in January of 2016, I weighed about 150.  I am now up to 165. When I say this to friends it sounds like “one hundred and sixty-fucking-five” because I still can’t believe I weigh this much.  Most people with Crohn’s are worried about weight loss and how to maintain or gain some weight.  I have gained and gained!  I am so frustrated with it.  I do not eat enough foods to support this weight increase.  I am taking Colestipol, Lomotil and Entyvio.  I have continued to gain and have been on Methotrexate, Humira and now Entyvio.  The only medications that have not changed are the Colestipol and Lomotil.  I am at a loss.  I have no idea and the doctors do not seem to be concerned with this at all.  Even when I mention that I am eating around 500-1200 calories daily, the doctors (both GI specialist and primary care) just continue–business as usual.

It has gotten so serious that I step on a scale each morning.  If I am more than 165, I will not eat or drink anything but water that day.  I eat one meal per day and it is usually a banana, rice milk and peanut butter smoothie.  Sometimes I will have this and a light dinner (baked chicken, sweet potato).  On the weekends, I add black coffee.  I take a daily multi-vitamin.  I guess I am quite worried with the direction my weight is headed and the lack of concern the doctors have.  If I can’t get this under control things will be bad.  I realize the potential for a complete shit storm but I also refuse to gain anymore weight.  I have tried healthy ways to maintain/lose and have given in to new weight goals several times but now I am unreasonable.  I used to be happy with 150 and now I have to remind myself that 135 is not going to happen.  Part of me believes that it can and maybe then I wouldn’t have so many Crohn’s symptoms.  The logic!  If I’ve had Crohn’s my entire life, it only bothered me once I accepted having some fluffy.  For now, I will continue to remind myself that these ideas are like buckets of soot and poo.